Lately, it seems like God has been calling me back to the keyboard, begging me to write again.
God, what do You want me to say?
I feel like I have nothing left in me right now. Some days, I struggle to pray prayers that I've known since I was a child. If I try to pray from my heart instead, I often come up with an emptiness that makes my heart swell with sadness.
What more can I say that I haven't said 1,000 times over since this miserable season began?
Lately, it feels like my body and my mind are overflowing with negatives, and no matter how hard I try to pull myself out of it, it seems like I'm only allowed a gulp of air before I'm pulled right back under water again.
Buddy has been working an insane number of hours lately. His schedule at his full time job was adjusted a bit, and it has caused quite an upset in our already stressful lives. Before this change, he was able to come home in between jobs. He had just enough time to switch uniforms and grab a bite to eat, but it also meant hugs and kisses and being a family - even if for just a few minutes a day. Now, he goes straight from one job to the next, eating a peanut butter sandwich as his dinner on the way.
We both knew that those few minutes were valuable, but these last two weeks of adjusting to entire days without seeing him have been even harder than we imagined. I hate that he goes days without seeing the kids and that when the two of us finally get to see one another, we basically hug and collapse all at the same time.
Our days are long and our bodies and minds are exhausted.
I know there are lessons to learn in all of this, and I'm trying. I really am.
Unfortunately, there are too many days that I fail to understand what God is hoping to teach me. I find myself stuck thinking about the never-ending negatives in my life, which tend blind me from seeing the lesson I am supposed to be learning.
It's so incredibly hard to see my husband - an amazing man of faith, a man that is extremely hardworking, a man that can teach himself anything and then turn around and do it like a pro - still struggle to find a good job.
It just doesn't seem fair.
And I know what you are thinking. I know that life isn't fair. I know that God has a plan. I know that one day we will reminisce about this season and be proud of all of our hard work and everything that we survived together.
I really wish that our future selves could come whisper to our present selves the secrets of our future. Man, that would be AWESOME.
But even without knowing the future, I do know that things will get better. I have no idea how God will make this season change, but my tired heart does find rest in the constant that is my God. And right now, I am so incredibly thankful for rest.